Thursday, 3 September 2015

How to be cool

The other week, I was out on my balcony getting battered on Lidl vodka and smoking cigars, when it dawned on me how cool I am. There are those among you who will say "Cube, I have no balcony, how can I ever be as cool as you?" And to those people I would say "You cannot, but if it's any consolation, it's nothing to do with your lack of balcony." But although those people will never be as cool as me, they can certainly be cooler than their normal selves, and so, with great benevolence, I present the Cube's top ten cool behaviours.

10: Waitrose Indifference

For this one you will need a slightly wanky friend who thinks that Waitrose peas are better than Tesco Value ones. And you will need to go to Waitrose with them.

WANKY FRIEND: Oooh look, they have camomile-flavoured Mullerice! And lobster and tarragon kettle chips!
YOU: I am truly nonplussed [stares at tinned peas]

9. Pretending not to Know a Hot Girl's Name

Self-explanatory, this one:

ME (in a supermarket): Oh I'm sorry, I don't recall your name.
HOT GIRL: What? You just came up to me.
ME: Is it Alice...or Marjorie? I'm sorry, my memory is terrible these days.
HOT GIRL: Wtf I have never met you before.
ME: It'll come to me.
HOT GIRL: Freak. [walks off]
ME: [stares at tinned peas]

8. Playing guitar with a really loose strap

You don't even have to know how to play that shit.

Wileding my axe like man who don't pay tax. Also playing A minor.

7: Not waiting for 1p change

Anyone who has ever bought something for 99 pence and paid with a pound will have been faced with the twofold dilemma:
- if you wait for your change you will look like a poor person who needs 1p in their life. Especially if the person behind the counter takes a disproportionately long time to come up with that 1p.
- if you say "keep the change" you will look like a poor person pretending to be an extravagant tipper.

Both these situations threaten to leave you looking very uncool, so here's what you should do:
1) Put your reduced salt and vinegar Pringles (or whatever) on the counter. Hand over your pound.
2) Immediately (but not too immediately) say "goodbye", in such a way as to say "Don't even think of offering me my change."
3) Leave shop hastily (don't run).

I do this all the time.

ME: Goodbye *walks towards exit without collecting 1p change*
SHOPKEEP: Sir, you have forgotten your shopping.
ME: I do not want it. *goes to any other shop to buy same goods*

6. Rejecting a threesome

Two Sexy People are round your flat. The Sexy People beg you to join them in bed. You say no, you are watching Les Dennis-era Family Fortunes repeats on Challenge TV. You watch Family Fortunes, steadfastly refusing to laugh when Les says "If it's up there I'll give you the money myself". Sexy People again beg you to join them in the bedroom. You reply by making the wrong-answer noise from Family Fortunes, smile to yourself, and open some salt and vinegar Pringles.

Seriously I will give you the money - I am Les Dennis and 37 quid is pretty muck fuck all to me

5. Gay introduction non-sequiturs

Homophobia is not cool, and you can quote me on that. But it is also not cool to be TOO accepting of a gay person the first time they announce their homosexuality to you. Straight up, if some dude told you he was Mad Keen on playing with meccano and you were all like "I am totally okay about the fact that you play with meccano, you won't hear any judgement from me" that dude would be like "Wtf brah I don't seek your approval to play with meccano I am gonna do that shit anyway. Look I've made a sweet crane".  That last sentence was analogous as fuck; read an encyclopedia (eg Britannica) if you didn't understand it. Anyway, here's what I do when someone tells me they are gay:

GAY GIRL: No, I don't have a boyfriend.
ME: Oh really? That's interesting..
GAY GIRL: Actually, I have a girlfriend, so...
ME: The lottery fund is considerably smaller these days than it used to be. It used to be a 9 million prize every week and now you're lucky to get that on a rollover week.
ME: Do you want a Pringle

4. Disliking popular bands

ME: So I caught a little three-piece at the Cockpit the other week called Terry's Electric Wankpit. Great musicianship. They were tight. You should look out for them.
FRIEND: Oh yeah, I think they were on Jools Holland last night. They're playing Wembley Arena in August, apparently.
ME: They're dogshit; I wouldn't be seen dead liking them.

3. Finding reasons to say YOLO

[Takes a can of pop off the shelf at Morrisons. Opens ringpull, Lilt goes fucking everywhere, on an old lady and in a pram and shit]

SHOP ASSISTANT: What the? Why did you even?
[Onlookers all crack a knowing smile as they realise yes, Y really do OLO

Other YOLO actions:

-Bath of beans. Except PEAS
-Get book out of library. Sell book on eBay
-Buy a snowboard IN AUGUST. Throw that shit out of a window like it didn't cost 205 dollars

2. Killing a bad guy and then quipping at him

If you're anything like me (you wish lolz) you probably have bad guys up in your grill pretty much 24 hours a month; well I got sick of that shit so I fully started "making them go away" if you know what I mean (killing them). Murder is pretty morbid/bleak, however, unless you throw some levity at that crime ie by doing a Wordplay about it.

[Bad guy has me with back to a fruit an veg stall and his gun in my face. Just as he's about to pull the trigger I pull a really big tomato (eg beef) from the stand and throw it into his eye socket, piercing his brain]

ME: I guess I won't be seeing you to-ma-to (tomorrow)
BAD GUY: That's really bad. Surely "What's tomato (the matter) with you, are you dead?" would have been bet-[dies]
ME: Ketchup

1. Being me

Obviously you can't all be me - the world isn't ready for that kind of dopeness. Also that shit raises some pretty deep philosophical questions of Who Am I am I Even Me that will fully explode your bean. But you can at least pretend to be me my printing out the mask below. For extra realism you might want to stick it on the front of a cardboard box and put that shit on your head - the world has gone mad for 3D since that fucking Avatar.

Laters, Cubefans, and remember, Stay Cool

Warning, may attract sexual advances that you don't know how to deal with

Monday, 31 August 2015

Ain't No Party Like a Nice Cube Party

Okay, I haven't been around for a while. Long story short, I was watching MTV and the music video of Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time" came on and I took that shit a little too literally. And just as I was coming to the end of what had been a year-long rave that Prince song came on and ever since then I have been partying like it's £19.99. I don't know if you've ever tried partying on that budget, but it's pretty brutal/a helluvan experience, let me tell you. I had to drink a lot of things from Aldi.

But that hiatus has not been in vain/a waste of your fucking time, for in the months I have been away I have learnt that not all parties are good parties. Sometimes you're at a party and someone called Graham is telling you about his job and his job is nothing to do with lego so why should you care and you just want things to be a lot better. If you find yourself at such a party here are some games that you can play.

Guess Zoo

ME: Do you have pandas?
ME: Okay *flips down Chester Zoo*
BIG PHIL: Do you have more than a million visitors a year?
ME: Tbh I don't have the requisite zoo knowledge to play this game

This game is a lot of fun. My only advice is that you keep eye out for cheap imitations like the one shown below.
Fraud: Stephen is clearly not even a zoo

I made the mistake of buying this. It was only £1.99 from Lidl but what a False Economy that turned out to be. Imagine my charred grin annoyance when I opened the box and found out that shit had nothing to do with zoos. A legal battle ensued, I won't bore you with the details.

Don't Talk About Back to the Future

Everyone sits in a circle making general conversation and having a nice drink (wine/beer/small Malibu etc). The only rule is that you're not allowed to talk about Back to the Future. "That is easy" I hear you say but you truly have no idea.

SOPHIE: I think it's ridiculous to suggest that Corbyn is unelectable
MARTIN: Oh come on, he wants to leave NATO; I mean seriously
TONY: Would that really be the end of the world? I mean-
GERALD: Can you remember that bit in Back to the Future when he goes back in time and meets his mum?
EVERYONE: Geraaaaaaaaald!
*Gerald drinks three fingers*

Purists argue that you are not even allowed to talk about Back to the Future II or Back to the Future III. Personally, I have no strong feelings either way, but I advise that you agree on the rules BEFORE the game. One time I didn't and now I haven't spoken to my sister for 17 years

Music Hall Chairs

Guest take it in turns to perform vaudeville-style variety. ON A CHAIR.

SARAH [on a chair, dancing about gaily and singing]: #Any old iron, any old iron, any any any old iron!#
EVERYONE: Top show, Sarah! What a gal!
STEVE: Okay, my turn now [gets on chair]
EVERYONE: Oh Steve, you have blacked up again. We have already told you our feelings about this.

FFS Steve why must you always do this

Why Are You Doing That, David

When David is out of the room eg using the toilet everyone agrees that at some point in the party they will say to him "Why Are You Doing That David"

[David returns from the toilet. He pours a drink]
CLAIRE: Why are you doing that David
David: Why am I doing what? Pouring a dr-
[Claire has already walked off]

[David plays a song on the guitar for his girlfriend, who he is secretly about to propose to]
DAN THE MAN: Why are you doing that David.
[David's girlfriend leaves what has become a pretty awkward situation. David drops his guitar]

[David is crying in a corner]
ROBBIE: Why are you doing that David
DAVID: My girlfriend has left me. She said was embarrassed to be with me at parties.
ROBBIE: Why are you doing that David.

Party Till You Literally Puke

Party host plays their cassette single of Andrew WK's "Party Till You Puke". As the music plays everybody parties with increasing vigour until one by one they vomit on the carpet. If you don't vomit by the end of the song, you are the loser and are ostracised by the rest of the group.

GARY: Please talk to me; I was partying REALLY hard but I already vomited earlier at home and I had nothing left.
GARY: Okay, you're right, I deserve this

Andrew WK: Party till you're holding a cat.

Seven Minutes in Heaven 17

A boy and a girl are locked inside a papier mache closet made in the image of 1980s new wave synthpop group Heaven 17 for seven minutes, during which time they are encouraged to "have sexy times/make out"

[Kate and Richard are inside Heaven 17]

RICHARD: Ummm, shall we y'know...
KATE: Hmmm
RICHARD: Oh, don't you want to? I mean, we don't have to...
KATE: I would, Rich, it's just that I'm finding it hard to think about anything other than Heaven 17 at the moment
RICHARD: I know what you mean, they were a great band. Being locked inside a giant papier mache Them really reminds you of that. How ironic that just a minute ago I was going to touch your boob and now all I can think about is their 1983 Top Ten hit Temptation
KATE: Lol what a pair we are

Your Heaven 17 papier mache cupboard may look different to the one pictured

Wink Minor Crime

Everyone sits in a circle. One person is secretly assigned the role of "minor criminal", whereupon they must "commit minor crimes" against the other members of the group by winking at them without the other members of the group seeing.

[Everyone moves their eyes around the other people in the circle. Spying an opportunity, Gerald winks at Sam]
SAM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! I've become a victim of insurance fraud!
[Gerald stifles a grin; genuine unease sets in among the group]

So that's a few of my favourite party games, Cubefans. Perhaps you can come up with some better ones, but I doubt it. Until next time, party hard/responsibly. 

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Les Cuberables

So I haven't posted for a while, but that's because I have been totally on location (in France of Yore, if you really want to know) filming the movie of the popular musical Les Miserables. If you haven't already seen it, it's at the cinema now; beware, though, that shit is almost three hours long, and there is at least an hour an a half's worth that I don't appear in. Here, for those of you who elect not to view the movie, is a summary of the plot, as best I understood it.

Jean Valjean (played by me) is in prison for stealing DVDs of the TV sitcom Bread. He is only sentenced to five years, but by the time he has finished watching all the series (even the ones with the different Joey and Aveline in) and all the DVD extras, nineteen years have passed. He gets out of prison, but prison guard Javert (played majestically by Russell Crowe), whom Valjean had refused to lend his Bread DVDs to, vows to make his life (nothing but) hell.

# Gotta get up, gotta get out...gotta cause a massive fucking ruckus

So I get out of prison and discover that 19th Century France has been taken over by Cockneys. Not just that, but dirty cockneys. Appalled at their stench/manner, I nonetheless seize upon the opportunity to exploit them for cheap labour and become the boss of a factory producing knock-off  DVD box sets of the complete works of Carla Lane. One of my employees is called Susan Boyle (played majestically by Anne Hathaway). Susan does not fit in with all the other workers, because while they are all cockneys, she is Scotch, and so they can understand neither her accent, nor the track marks on her arms. Anyway, at the end of the day she gets sacked and ends up being a prostitute without me even knowing and when I eventually find out, she is dying of Heroin or something. Anyway, blah blah blah she dreams a dream etc and in her dying breath remembers that she has a child and that she has left said child in a pub. Eight years ago.

So Susan Boyle dies, but not before tricking me into adopting her child, whom I duly walk two hundred miles to pick up from the Only Pub in France at the Time. No sooner have I left the pub with the child (played majestically by a girl who will never be in anything ever again), as I am reproached by Javert, who is now a policeman or some shit, and is all like "What are you doing coming out of a pub with an eight-year-old child?" He is implying that I am a paedophile (which is, of course, historically inaccurate as  they did not exist back then) but in truth knows that I am not a paedophile (as they did not exist back then) and is actually just pretty pissed off still that I wouldn't let him watch my Bread DVDs in prison.

Needless to say a proper shitstorm kicks off and three hours later everyone in the film is dead apart from Michael Ball (played majestically by Eddie Redmayne (played majestically by Dean Gaffney)).

Below is a still from the confrontation I have with Crowe. (Spoiler alert) I win the confrontation by singing better than him and he kills himself about it. I singlehandedly go on to improve the lives of every cockney in France for some reason.
Go see the film if you want, but be warned it is not in 3D and there is no nudity, so there is pretty much no point.

ME: # I am warning you Javert: I'm the stronger man by far!
CROWE: # Meah meah meah...vengeance in this life of the next (or some shit).
ME: # Stop getting all up in my shit: I will do you a Carla Lane box set for a fiver: can't say fairer than that.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Dyer here

I don't think any sane being would disagree that Danny Dyer is the most versatile actor/presenter/hardman-with-a-heart in the UK, if not the world, which is why I have spent the last few months persuading this unfeasibly talented chap to take me on as his agent. My goal achieved, I am pleased to reveal some of the projects I have in the pipeline for my new client.

Danny Dyer does "Cross face scale 5"

Britain's worst allergens

In this Channel 5 documentary, Danny Dyer travels the length and breadth of the country where, each week, he meets a different allergen and stresses how dangerous it is (all allergens interviewed are reformed characters and exempt from prosecution).

"Today I'm facking brickin' it, cos I'm meeting pollen, the scourge of geezers wiv 'ay fever all over the world. This is an allergen so fackin hard it 'as grown men crying like facking muppets. And sneezing like cants".

Kitten: "Ticking facking time bomb"

Danny Dyer's Poetry Forum

Each week Danny welcomes a different celebrity guest to talk about poetry.

CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS: which he of course declares that "all that glisters is not gold."

DANNY DYER: The geezer ain't wrong. The avver week I buys a blu-ray player from some bloke dahn the pub, an' when I get it home he's only mugged me off with a facking DVD player! Cant! That's all for this week. Join me next week when Lenny Henry will be givin' it the big 'un abaht Keats.

Danny Dyer's Amazing Wildlife

WILDLIFE EXPERT: Though its name suggests it has a hundred feet, some centipedes actually have over three hundred.
DANNY DYER: Fack me!

"Same number of bones in their necks as humans?
You're having a facking giraffe!"

Zero or One with Danny Dyer

Gameshow. A member of the public is chosen from the audience to guess whether a random binary generating computer called CANT (Cockney-Accented Number Thing) will select a one of a zero. If the contestant gets it right fifteen times in a row they win 250,000 pounds. If the contestant gets stuck they have three lifelines: Clue, Ask a Celebrity and Kick the fack out of CANT.

DANNY DYER: Orwight darlin', you are proper cruisin' it. You're on a farsand pahnds so far and you ain't used any of yer lifelines. But this is where it gets serious: if you get this next one right you go to two farsand, but if you get it wrong yer lose everyfing. Do you want to play?

CONTESTANT: I do, Danny. I think I'd like to use my Clue lifeline.

DANNY DYER: Okay darlin', here's yer clue: last time it wuz a zero, what are the facking chahnces o' that 'appening again, that what you gotta ask yerself.

CONTESTANT: Hmm, that's true, it will probably be a one this time. But it could be a zero...I just don't know...I think I'm going to have to ask a celebrity.

DANNY DYER: Okay darlin, let's bring on our celebrity. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Rik Waller!

*audience applauds*

DANNY DYER: Nar Rik, when you wuz on Pop Idol, did you ever have any tough decisions to make?

RIK WALLER: Not really. The songs I sang were generally chosen for me.

DANNY: Facking mint. So Rik, what do you reckon, zero or one?

RIK WALLER Well my heart tells me zero but my head says one. I'm leaning towards zero.

CONTESTANT: What per centage sure are you?

RIK WALLER: Only about 51 per cent I'm afraid.

DANNY DYER: That is statisitically more than 5o per cent, but not by much. The question is do you wanna risk it?

CONTESTANT: Gosh, this is so much easier when you play at home. I'm gonna risk it...I'm gonna say zero.

DANNY DYER: You're sayin' zero...we'll find aht if she's right after some facking adverts.

The Canal (feature film)

Danny Dyer plays The Boy, a mute found wandering the banks of Dublin's Grand Canal by a beautiful girl called Rose (played, in her acting debut, by Stacey Solomon), who lives on a barge. Rose sees the hidden depths behind The Boy's eyes that nobody else can see, and she falls in love with him. Together they defy the odds (people saying "Don't get off with him, he's a mute" etc) and through their love (spoiler alert) The Boy finds the voice he never knew he had.

Scene 6: The Boy and Rose are sat on the bank of the canal. She is holding a buttercup or something.

ROSE: I want for nothing when I am with you, don't you see? Many a girl dreams of riches, huge houses with pianos in every room and butlers at their beck and call; but I crave not these things. All that I need is in that barge, and sat here beside me on the bank. That's all I ever want:
you are all I will ever want. And though you may never utter a word of confirmation, I know deep down that you want the same.

Danny Dyer stares blankly

ROSE: And I know, when I look at you, that though you cannot tell me your surname, that you would have me share that name.

Danny Dyer looks confused/worried

ROSE: You needn't even say a word: I will marry you, I will!

DANNY DYER: What you
fackin' chattin abaht?

Look out for all these projects to hit your screens some time in the next year. If you too are seeking representation, please send me a CV and a video of you doing at least three facial expressions (Danny Dyer can do four, but it would be unrealistic to expect that of all my clients) and at least one accent (and a promise that is not actually your own accent). I look forward to hearing from you.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

I'm Cube, yes I'm the real Cube, all you other Cubes are just imitating

I’ve come up with an idea for an ITV Sunday-evening gameshow to be hosted by none other than me. It will be called THE PHILLIP SCHOFIELD

The Basic Premise

The host (me) invites a member of the public to get inside a massive perspex container shaped like Phillip Schofield’s anus. Once inside, they have to perform various fairground-style feats of skill in slow motion while suspenseful music plays. Each contestant gets some lives or something and if they win they get some money, probably. Here are some of the rounds.


The contestant has to guess whether a banana is under a bucket.

ME: What are you like at guessing whether or not there is a banana under a bucket?

GUEST: It is not my forte


The contestant has to poke a dead badger with a stick, without the stick touching the floor or anything. If it does and alarm sounds and everyone in the audience's emotions are affected in a bad way.

CONTESTANT: It looks easy. Poking a dead badger, when you watch at home, but now that I am inside The Philip Schofield it’s a lot lot harder.

HOST: Ten pounds if you poke the badger.


A pot of emulsion is hidden behind a small curtain. Said curtain is then removed for just half a second, during which time the contestant has to look at it really quickly. Then they have to guess how much emulsion is in the pot.

ME: You have three lives left. You stand to win twenty pounds, but you could lose the ten pounds you already have.

CONTESTANT: I’m torn on whether to go for it or not. On the one hand, half a second isn’t a long time, but on the other hand I do like paint.

ME: Take your time

There are other rounds but I feel it best to withhold these while contract negotiations with ITV are ongoing. If I divulged ALL my ideas here then that bastard channel would just straight-up steal them and get Andi Peters to host the show and I'd never see a penny. They're always doing shit like that. Stop messing with my shit, ITV: you have been warned.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

The Cube guide to the best iphone apps: Part Two

Best iphone app No 5: What Would I look like Evil?

Obviously, dear Cubefan, you are incredibly lovely. Why right now you're probably baking a cake for foreign orphans. But you must sometimes wonder what you would look like if you were evil. Well wonder no more, for this app, which was devised by a team of the most technical nanoscientists in the world, uses ingenious technology to give you a terrifying view of your hypothetical evil self!

The picture above shows that even the world's loveliest man, Sir DavidJasonBless'im, can be turned evil. Look out Rodders, you plonker!

Best iphone app No 4: Well-paid Jobs

What products would you like Apple to overcharge you for next? That's the question Steve Jobs will be asking you, personally, EVERY WEEK if you install this app. Yep, you could be first to opine on/say how much money you would give Steve Jobs for every one of his next proposals!
And the good news is that those losers without iphones will never find out so you can be the first in line to spend your entire month's wage on that next big product. In case you missed the last two instalments of this app, they were the
ibud ("Like an iphone but smaller! (and doesn't make calls)") and the tri-pod ("Like an ipad but a triangle! (and doesn't make calls)").

Steve Jobs demonstrates the ipad mini:
"It's an ipad, but smaller!"

Best iphone app No 3: I Life

Want to reminisce about things that happened in your life but need C-list celebrities to help you? Then I Life is the app for you. Simply type in some key events from your life and minutes later a video of showbiz types including Jason Manford, Justin Lee Collins and Howard off the Halifax Ad will take you on a nostalgia trip you'll never forget! You'll laugh till you cry as:

Jason Manford recalls how "(Your name) had his first kiss with (her name) and she tasted of Pickled Onion Monster Munch. Can you remember Pickled Onion Monster Munch?";

Chesney off Coronation Street remembers "(Your name) fell off his bike and gashed his knee. You've never heard crying like it. Then he had some Jaw Breakers, do you remember them? They were well hard."

and Shane Ritchie muses: "(Your name) was 25 when he lost his virginity. What a loser. And then he had a Sherbet Dip-Dab. They were nicer than Sherbet Fountains, with the liquorice.."

GLC: "(Your name) used have a Grifter. What was that all about?"

Best iphone app No 2: Crabble

Like Scrabble, but all the words have to be to do with crabs. And I've copyrighted the name, so if you want to copy my idea you'll have to call your Crabulous or Wordcrab or something.

I did "pincer" on my next go.

Best iphone app No 1: William Roache Voice Changer

Not getting enough respect? Friends always playing tricks on you and you can't think how to get them back? Or just so bored of your own voice that you want to kill yourself? Then you need the William Roache Voice Changer app! Simply hold your iphone to your mouth (the way you would when making a call if you could ever get any reception) and marvel as the words that come out of your mouth pass through a synthesiser and are amplified in the guise of the voice of TV's William Roache!

Just imagine, you're in the library:

YOU: Do you have a book please?
LIBRARY ASSISTANT: Maybe, what's it to you? *chews gum*
YOU (disguising voice as William Roache): Do you have a book now?
LIBRARY ASSISTANT: Yes sir, I have several books and you can have them all. You don't even have to bring them back if you don't want to.
YOU: Heh heh!

Or perhaps you're at your friend Robert's house, and Robert has his back turned to you:

YOU (disguising voice as William Roache): Hey Robert!
ROBERT (spinning round to face you): thought that was William Roache!
YOU: No, it was me all along, using a cool new iphone app!
ROBERT: Well you totally got me! I guess now we're even from last week when I put shit in your cornflakes.
YOU: Heh heh!

Or perhaps you're hiding in a bush near William Roache:

YOU (disguising voice as William Roache): Hey, William Roache, I'm you!
WILLIAM ROACHE: Oh no, I this is pretty fucked up. *Throws himself in fromt of a lorry*
YOU: Heh heh!

The possibilities are probably endless.

Well, readers, that was my top ten. But what would your number one have been? Perhaps you have your own ideas for apps? Leave your ideas in the comments field, why don't you, but do it soon, because I have five science bods still chained in my cellar and only four Pot Noodles left...

Monday, 12 July 2010

The Cube guide to the best iphone apps

I've been away a while, I realise, but that is because I have been learning to be an expert in telephone science. I have acheived an accolade so high in this field it would probably kill you to even think about it, so for you mere mortals here is the fruit of my labours: the ten best apps for iphones (and those Android phones too), which I have spent the last two months programming. They're in reverse order, and you're only getting numbers 10-6 in this post, because I am pretty down with suspense these days.

Best iphone app No 10: Paul the Octopus Eastenders Predictor

That Octopus that predicted the World Cup results turns his hand(s) (legs, whatever) to predicting what will happen in Eastenders. Simply point your iphone at Eastenders and the eight-legged enigma will predict what will happen in that episode. In the example (left), Paul considers it unlikely that Dirty Den will return AGAIN, and instead (correctly) puts all his tentacles on someone getting smacked down.

Best iphone app No 9: Chris Tarrant Egg Timer

Ever get totally bored while timing an egg? I do. Well suffer such
cooking-time ennui no more with the Chris Tarrant egg timer app! Simply put your egg on to boil, and activate the app by touching Chris Tarrant on the face. From thereon in prepare yourself for an emotional rollercoaster ride as Chris Tarrant fills three minutes with suspense of the highest quality, speaking phrases such as:

"If you'd said your egg is ready'd be wrong."

"You want that egg don't you...but I'm not going to give you that now."

"You said your egg is ready's the right answer!"

Best iphone app No 8: Russell Brand Chat-up Lines

Want to get girls but can't because you are ugly? Well fear not, because Russell Brand is here to help you! Simply use your £35-a-month iphone's shitty 2 MP camera to take a photograph of your prey and the Russell Brand seductocomputerTM will use a powerful formula (Archaic polysyllabism to suggest intelligence +
cheeky reference to own genitalia to state intentions in a non-threatening manner + ridiculously fluctuating intonation to suggest comedy) to provide you with a chat-up line that is guaranteed to succeed.
Can't-fail examples include:

"Oooo, verily my winky hath become engorged at the sight of your breasticles, pritheeeeee!"
"Salutations good lady, wouldst though care to gander at my tallwacker?"
"Forsooth, me manhood has become right tumescent. Willst though chance a fondle, ooooooo!"

Best iphone app No 7: Twatter

Got something too banal to keep to yourself? Well you need never hide your trite under a bushel again, thanks to
twatter. Simply type your inane news into the twatter app and within minutes Stephen Fry will definitely be reading it. Here are some of the best twats I've read this month:

"Wonder whether I should take a brolly out - you never now what it's going to do"

"LOL i am PMSL at Michael McIntyre he is rate funy!"

"Just chillin wiv a bottle of wine"

"OMG Gerard Butler is so fit!!"

Best iphone app No 6: Betris

If you're anything
like me, you'll have always loved Tetris, but found that while the game was both challenging and addictive it was just not quite...brassy enough. And that's exactly why I have combined good technology with northern sass to create Betris. It's basically Tetris but all the blocks contain images of legendary Coronation Street barmaid Bet Gilroy (nee Lynch) aka Julie Goodyear. The normal Tetris theme is replaced by the Corrie theme tune, interrupted only by an actress pretending to be Julie Goodyear (I couldn't afford the real one) periodically encouraging you with such motivators as "Come on Chuck", "Eee, you're even better than our Alec!", and "By 'eck, your brain must be bigger than that Curly Watts's!"

Coming soon...Best iphone app Nos 5-1