Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Unlimited Twats

There's some dogshit advert on TV at the moment for O2 or Vodafone or something where they ask people in the street what they would do if they had unlimited free text messages FOREVER and then the people in the street compete to say the shittest thing they can think of. One of them says he'd start a revolution, another says he'd organise a massive pillow fight, and one says he'd text everyone he knows who plays an instrument and start a superband. If he had FREE TEXTS FOR LIFE. Here is a video of the man in question. He wants to start an "uber-orchestra". If you don't hate him already watch the video.



Just how many
text messages does he need to text everyone he knows who plays an instrument? My guess: about seventeen. How many of those people will want to start an unber-orchestra with him? Probably about four. So he'll probably end up in a room with four gimps: one with a recorder, one with a guitar, one with a tambourine and one with a bigger recorder, and they'll start playing and they'll realise that they can't find a tune that they all know and they'll realise that their instruments sound shit together and then they'll probably all say to him "This is shit, we hate you." That's what that guy would do with unlimited texts. Dick.

However, if
I had unlimited texts for life, these would be my top things to do:

1) Text all the ninjas in the world pretty much five times a day, every day, to ask for ninja tips
eg best kicks to do.


















Ninja: "Head kicks are best, probly"


2) Text everyone in China and tell them America had called them gay and then see if that thing worked where they all jump off a chair and make a tidal wave.
3) Text everyone in America and say "Sorry, but pretty sweet wave, eh?"
4) Text everyone in the world with a beard an ask then what their favourite thing about having a beard was, to test my theory that the top answer would be "warmth/manliness". Complete work on my book: "Beards and Things to do with Beards"
5) Text a picture of my face to everyone in the world and say "do you like my face?" then all the people who said yes I would ask to see their face and if they were really pretty I might go out with them.

That is what I would do. What would you do though readers? I would dearly like to know. Perhaps if I get enough good replies we can make a rival advert. Just don't say you would form an uber-orchestra, though, or I will use my newly acquired tips to ninja the shit out of you.

Monday, 12 October 2009

Patience is a virtue

I just looked at my watch and it turns out it's October. It doesn't seem like two minutes since my last post, but in fact it has been more like three months. Sorry to leave you with no fun in your lives for such a length of time, but I have not been lazy during that period, for I have spent many of the hours betwixt the last post and this inventing this game for the computer. It is called Gary Barlow's Patience.
















It's quite a lot like the game Patience, or Solitaire as you will know it if you are American or a retard. But Patience with a twist, for in this version you are offered helpful hints by Patience singer Gary Barlow of Brit Award-winning pop group Take That. Gary, whose hits include "Sure", "Relight my Fires" and "Backs are Good" will guide you along the way as you sit for hours in the library preventing a student from gaining access to a PC to print off his dissertation.
Among the gems of advice offered by side-partinged Gary, 42, are:

"Black two on red three: BLACK TWO ON RED THREE!"
"Put that two on the Ace"
"RED SEVEN ON BLACK EIGHT" I'M NOT SHOUTING! I'm just saying!"

If at any point Gary suspects you are becoming annoyed by his advice (your annoyance will be measured by a Wii controller) he will break into his chart-topping song "Have a little Patience". And you will get an electric shock through your Wii-controller, if technology has come that far by the time I send the idea to the software house.
Gary, 37, whose hits include "How deep is love", "Angels" and "Let me Entertain You" said, of the game, "You'd best 'have a little patience' whan you play me, Gary Barlow's, Patience." Then he went to Greggs the bakers. I think he was getting scones.

If anybody out there is good at computer programming and can help make Gary's mouth talk please go ahead and do so and I will share some of the money with you.

I leave you with father-of-children Gary, along with his Boyzone bandmates, singing "Patience" at the launch party of the game, live from the future: