Best iphone app No 5: What Would I look like Evil?Obviously, dear Cubefan, you are incredibly lovely. Why right now you're probably baking a cake for foreign orphans. But you must sometimes wonder what you would look like if you were evil. Well wonder no more, for this app, which was devised by a team of the most technical nanoscientists in the world, uses ingenious technology to give you a terrifying view of your hypothetical evil self!
The picture above shows that even the world's loveliest man, Sir DavidJasonBless'im, can be turned evil. Look out Rodders, you plonker!
Best iphone app No 4: Well-paid JobsWhat products would you like Apple to overcharge you for next? That's the question Steve Jobs will be asking you, personally, EVERY WEEK if you install this app. Yep, you could be first to opine on/say how much money you would give Steve Jobs for every one of his next proposals!
And the good news is that those losers without iphones will never find out so you can be the first in line to spend your entire month's wage on that next big product. In case you missed the last two instalments of this app, they were the ibud ("Like an iphone but smaller! (and doesn't make calls)") and the tri-pod ("Like an ipad but a triangle! (and doesn't make calls)").
Steve Jobs demonstrates the ipad mini:
"It's an ipad, but smaller!"
Best iphone app No 3: I love...my LifeWant to reminisce about things that happened in your life but need C-list celebrities to help you? Then I Love...my Life is the app for you. Simply type in some key events from your life and minutes later a video of showbiz types including Jason Manford, Justin Lee Collins and Howard off the Halifax Ad will take you on a nostalgia trip you'll never forget! You'll laugh till you cry as:
Jason Manford recalls how "(Your name) had his first kiss with (her name) and she tasted of Pickled Onion Monster Munch. Can you remember Pickled Onion Monster Munch?";
Chesney off Coronation Street remembers "(Your name) fell off his bike and gashed his knee. You've never heard crying like it. Then he had some Jaw Breakers, do you remember them? They were well hard."
and Shane Ritchie muses: "(Your name) was 25 when he lost his virginity. What a loser. And then he had a Sherbet Dip-Dab. They were nicer than Sherbet Fountains, with the liquorice.."
GLC: "(Your name) used have a Grifter. What was that all about?"
Best iphone app No 2: CrabbleLike Scrabble, but all the words have to be to do with crabs. And I've copyrighted the name, so if you want to copy my idea you'll have to call your Crabulous or Wordcrab or something.
I did "pincer" on my next go.
Best iphone app No 1: William Roache Voice ChangerNot getting enough respect? Friends always playing tricks on you and you can't think how to get them back? Or just so bored of your own voice that you want to kill yourself? Then you need the William Roache Voice Changer app! Simply hold your iphone to your mouth (the way you would when making a call if you could ever get any reception) and marvel as the words that come out of your mouth pass through a synthesiser and are amplified in the guise of the voice of TV's William Roache!
Just imagine, you're in the library:
YOU: Do you have a book please?
LIBRARY ASSISTANT: Maybe, what's it to you? *chews gum*
YOU (disguising voice as William Roache): Do you have a book now?
LIBRARY ASSISTANT: Yes sir, I have several books and you can have them all. You don't even have to bring them back if you don't want to.
YOU: Heh heh!
Or perhaps you're at your friend Robert's house, and Robert has his back turned to you:
YOU (disguising voice as William Roache): Hey Robert!
ROBERT (spinning round to face you): Hey...wtf...I thought that was William Roache!
YOU: No, it was me all along, using a cool new iphone app!
ROBERT: Well you totally got me! I guess now we're even from last week when I put shit in your cornflakes.
YOU: Heh heh!
Or perhaps you're hiding in a bush near William Roache:
YOU (disguising voice as William Roache): Hey, William Roache, I'm you!
WILLIAM ROACHE: Oh no, I this is pretty fucked up. *Throws himself in fromt of a lorry*
YOU: Heh heh!
The possibilities are probably endless.
Well, readers, that was my top ten. But what would your number one have been? Perhaps you have your own ideas for apps? Leave your ideas in the comments field, why don't you, but do it soon, because I have five science bods still chained in my cellar and only four Pot Noodles left...