Best iphone app No 10: Paul the Octopus Eastenders Predictor
That Octopus that predicted the World Cup results turns his hand(s) (legs, whatever) to predicting what will happen in Eastenders. Simply point your iphone at Eastenders and the eight-legged enigma will predict what will happen in that episode. In the example (left), Paul considers it unlikely that Dirty Den will return AGAIN, and instead (correctly) puts all his tentacles on someone getting smacked down.
Best iphone app No 9: Chris Tarrant Egg Timer
Ever get totally bored while timing an egg? I do. Well suffer such
cooking-time ennui no more with the Chris Tarrant egg timer app! Simply put your egg on to boil, and activate the app by touching Chris Tarrant on the face. From thereon in prepare yourself for an emotional rollercoaster ride as Chris Tarrant fills three minutes with suspense of the highest quality, speaking phrases such as:
"If you'd said your egg is ready now....you'd be wrong."
"You want that egg don't you...but I'm not going to give you that now."
"You said your egg is ready now...it's the right answer!"
Best iphone app No 8: Russell Brand Chat-up Lines
Want to get girls but can't because you are ugly? Well fear not, because Russell Brand is here to help you! Simply use your £35-a-month iphone's shitty 2 MP camera to take a photograph of your prey and the Russell Brand seductocomputerTM will use a powerful formula (Archaic polysyllabism to suggest intelligence + cheeky reference to own genitalia to state intentions in a non-threatening manner + ridiculously fluctuating intonation to suggest comedy) to provide you with a chat-up line that is guaranteed to succeed.
Can't-fail examples include:
"Oooo, verily my winky hath become engorged at the sight of your breasticles, pritheeeeee!"
"Salutations good lady, wouldst though care to gander at my tallwacker?"
"Forsooth, me manhood has become right tumescent. Willst though chance a fondle, ooooooo!"
Best iphone app No 7: Twatter
Got something too banal to keep to yourself? Well you need never hide your trite under a bushel again, thanks to twatter. Simply type your inane news into the twatter app and within minutes Stephen Fry will definitely be reading it. Here are some of the best twats I've read this month:
"Wonder whether I should take a brolly out - you never now what it's going to do"
"LOL i am PMSL at Michael McIntyre he is rate funy!"
"Just chillin wiv a bottle of wine"
"OMG Gerard Butler is so fit!!"
Best iphone app No 6: Betris
If you're anything like me, you'll have always loved Tetris, but found that while the game was both challenging and addictive it was just not quite...brassy enough. And that's exactly why I have combined good technology with northern sass to create Betris. It's basically Tetris but all the blocks contain images of legendary Coronation Street barmaid Bet Gilroy (nee Lynch) aka Julie Goodyear. The normal Tetris theme is replaced by the Corrie theme tune, interrupted only by an actress pretending to be Julie Goodyear (I couldn't afford the real one) periodically encouraging you with such motivators as "Come on Chuck", "Eee, you're even better than our Alec!", and "By 'eck, your brain must be bigger than that Curly Watts's!"