Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Les Cuberables

So I haven't posted for a while, but that's because I have been totally on location (in France of Yore, if you really want to know) filming the movie of the popular musical Les Miserables. If you haven't already seen it, it's at the cinema now; beware, though, that shit is almost three hours long, and there is at least an hour an a half's worth that I don't appear in. Here, for those of you who elect not to view the movie, is a summary of the plot, as best I understood it.



Jean Valjean (played by me) is in prison for stealing DVDs of the TV sitcom Bread. He is only sentenced to five years, but by the time he has finished watching all the series (even the ones with the different Joey and Aveline in) and all the DVD extras, nineteen years have passed. He gets out of prison, but prison guard Javert (played majestically by Russell Crowe), whom Valjean had refused to lend his Bread DVDs to, vows to make his life (nothing but) hell.


# Gotta get up, gotta get out...gotta cause a massive fucking ruckus


So I get out of prison and discover that 19th Century France has been taken over by Cockneys. Not just that, but dirty cockneys. Appalled at their stench/manner, I nonetheless seize upon the opportunity to exploit them for cheap labour and become the boss of a factory producing knock-off  DVD box sets of the complete works of Carla Lane. One of my employees is called Susan Boyle (played majestically by Anne Hathaway). Susan does not fit in with all the other workers, because while they are all cockneys, she is Scotch, and so they can understand neither her accent, nor the track marks on her arms. Anyway, at the end of the day she gets sacked and ends up being a prostitute without me even knowing and when I eventually find out, she is dying of Heroin or something. Anyway, blah blah blah she dreams a dream etc and in her dying breath remembers that she has a child and that she has left said child in a pub. Eight years ago.

So Susan Boyle dies, but not before tricking me into adopting her child, whom I duly walk two hundred miles to pick up from the Only Pub in France at the Time. No sooner have I left the pub with the child (played majestically by a girl who will never be in anything ever again), as I am reproached by Javert, who is now a policeman or some shit, and is all like "What are you doing coming out of a pub with an eight-year-old child?" He is implying that I am a paedophile (which is, of course, historically inaccurate as  they did not exist back then) but in truth knows that I am not a paedophile (as they did not exist back then) and is actually just pretty pissed off still that I wouldn't let him watch my Bread DVDs in prison.

Needless to say a proper shitstorm kicks off and three hours later everyone in the film is dead apart from Michael Ball (played majestically by Eddie Redmayne (played majestically by Dean Gaffney)).

Below is a still from the confrontation I have with Crowe. (Spoiler alert) I win the confrontation by singing better than him and he kills himself about it. I singlehandedly go on to improve the lives of every cockney in France for some reason.
Go see the film if you want, but be warned it is not in 3D and there is no nudity, so there is pretty much no point.



ME: # I am warning you Javert: I'm the stronger man by far!
CROWE: # Meah meah meah...vengeance in this life of the next (or some shit).
ME: # Stop getting all up in my shit: I will do you a Carla Lane box set for a fiver: can't say fairer than that.

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